Back Into The Mystic… Tan, That Is

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My Oompa Loompa Foot

In case you haven’t noticed, I have an alabaster, blinding glow to my skin. During contest prep, everyone mentioned that I was going to have a problem with the contest tan looking right over my whiteness. Apparently it can look rather green if you don’t have some color to begin with. To help with this problem, I got a membership since with a local tanning salon for unlimited spray on tans. I faithfully spray tanned as requested three times the week prior to contest with the darkest shade they had. I was a bronzed goddess, ready for the professional tan.

Be warned. The contest tan process is not for the shy or faint of heart. I showed up at 5 pm the night before show for my first of three coats. You strip down to all your glory in front of people you’ve just met, and bend and contort yourself into positions unimaginable so nothing is missed by the spray. Thank God I was in the best shape of my life for the occasion. Afterwards you put on a black track suit and are told to go home, relax, and don’t sweat or you’ll mess up your tan. Right, don’t sweat… in Texas, in June. Didn’t happen.

I went back at 10 pm for the next three coats and the tan woman scrunched up her face when she saw me. “Your skin’s not taking the tan”, she said. What? She repeated. It was official. My body was rejecting the tan. She told me to go home, shower off, and come back in the morning to be sprayed before the show. I managed to hold myself together until I got to the lobby and ran into a friend. Suddenly I was a blubbering, sobbing mess whining incoherently about tans and being a freak of whiteness.

Thankfully she calmed me down and said there’s always something that goes wrong. This was it and it was now out of the way. Phew. I gathered myself and went home. It looked like the shower scene from Psycho as all that paint went down the drain. The next morning I showed up after my makeup was done to be sprayed again. The tan team was set up out back on the loading dock facing the side parking lot. I got in line ready to roll.

The tan team was on site to do touch ups for those who needed tan assistance and such. Since I needed the whole shebang, I had to be tanned all over without my suit. Stay with me here. Everyone else, touch up, suits on. Me, full tan, no suit. Loading dock, parking lot, audience members walking by. I got to stand buck naked right in the midst of things getting my spray on tan! Whooo, doggie. Inhibitions gone if they weren’t already. I now have a claim to fame.

The darn tan managed to last through the morning show and then was rejected again. I could practically hear my pores screaming “Purge the tan!” I had to go home, shower again, and get re-tanned for the night show. Once again, hello world, I’m in the buff. That stuff they spray on is some heavy duty tanning goo. For something that didn’t want to go on, it sure is hard to get off despite daily exfoliation. A month later, I’m still finding little patches of weird orangish tint in places. I kid you not.

I’m finally feeling brave enough to venture back into the Mystic once again tomorrow and get a spray tan. Hopefully it gives me a bit of color and blends in the last remnants of the pro tan. I do like how it makes me look when I do the normal tan intensity. My muscles really pop and I look better. I’m now on the quest to find a good product to use at home so I can get rid of the membership.

Have you found anything that works well for faux tanning? Send your suggestions please and be warned about the contest tanning process.

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